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| My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 5 years. He proposed to me about 3 years ago, but graduate school and careers stopped us from setting a date. Finally, we set a date for June of this year. Everything was going well, at least this is what I thought until I noticed him avoiding me for days on end---no phone calls, no e-mails, NOTHING. He would not even give me the courtesy of returning any of my messages. After nearly a week of unexplained silence, I received a call from him. He was quite vile-- yelling, cursing, and the like. He then ended the conversation with an "I hate you," and an "I don't want to marry you...ever!" To make matters worse, he changed his phone number the very next day-- Incredible! The funny thing is that I find myself more confused than angry. It is somewhat surreal--like a nightmare. I haven't heard from him since, and I have wracked my brain trying to figure out what the heck happened to me. What does irritate me though, is the fact that I am left holding the bag. His exit was so cowardly that I am left to tell all our friends and family that there will be no wedding. He gets to leave unscathed. It is downright bizarre! God, I am so confused right now.... |
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| People find it much easier to hurt someone over the phone than in person.
I would confront him face to face, so you can have closure.
I would not beg him back, but I would definately find out what happened. It seems very odd to go from getting married to hate so quickly. |
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on 2007-10-16 09:34:18 by gigi12 |
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| There has to be a good reason for his behavior. You have got to confront this man to see why the change of heart. It would drive me crazy if I didn't know his reason behind his behavior. |
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| There has to be a big misunderstanding on his part. How can this man just cut you out of his life. I would have to confront him. Something is definately wrong.
Have you tried to contact his family to see what happened? |
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on 2007-10-17 21:16:18 by jack |
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| For days I have been in a sort of daze about things. Only recently have I started the process of attempting contact again. His brother never answers his phone, and his parents recently moved; so I am unable to reach them. It is almost as if I have been erased from their lives. But I still have no clue as to why this is happening to me. I find myself moving slowly out of shock and into a strange kind of irritated anger. Who does this to other people? Who sticks around for 5 years only to one day vanish completely out of your life? It is by far the weirdest thing ever.
Daisy, I think that you are right about people finding it much easier to hurt someone over the phone-- Who breaks up with someone over the phone anyway?-- but I do not know how I am going to confront him face to face. We live in different states! I thought about flying out there unannounced, but do I really want to invest anymore time or money in someone who would treat me with such disrespect?
My friends and family feel that I should cut my losses and let it go, but I am not quite sure about that. It is hard to be in a relationship with someone for this long and just let it go without an explanation. I don't know...What do you think should be done given the current circumstances? |
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| Islandbeauty, I sort of agree with your family, it is probably better to cut your losses and move on, but with that said, it is going to drive you crazy if you don't find the truth.
Does he have any sisters, girlfriends that you know? There has got to be one person that can explain this to you.
It sounds like you both have education and it is weird that he could hurt you so badly without any explanation.
Personally, I think he did you a favor. Because if a man could do this to someone he supposedly loved than he is heartless. so consider this a blessing in disguise. |
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| Hi Islandbeauty.. I am sorry that this guy hurt you. We as women take this kind of thing so personal. We always think it was our fault, that we could have done something to change their mind.
But if we really thought about it, what this man did to you is so wrong on so many levels, that you are not to blame.
He has to be one heartless human being to do this to anyone. Even a letter would have been better than no response at all.
I agree with your family, let this loser guy out of your heart and do everything to better yourself, like getting more eduacation, exercising.. I guess I am tring to say it should be all about you know.
When the time is right, the man that was mean't for you will come. And the best thing about it one day, you will find out the truth about your ex and you will be so happy that he did what he did because you life would not have turned out so wonderful if you were still with him. So go live your new life with JOY and PEACE. It can only get better from here!!! |
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| Sounds like more than graduate school and careers stopped you from setting a date.
Did he loose his mind?
Did he find someone new?
At any rate, you are right, he is a coward. He at least needed to have the common decency to let you know like
a real man that things were not working out. I'm so sorry, I know it must be hard for you not to have closure.
So I will give you closure:
He never told you that he had mental problems. He went off of his meds, which accounts for his outburst. He really does not hate you, he is just very ill. Better for you to move on. I heard it was genetic....
Now here is a big hug! |
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on 2007-10-21 04:16:46 by Addy |
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| Update: The ex contacted me via e-mail two days ago. He claims that he had no choice, but to change his phone number because he felt suffocated by me....Suffocated! This was another shocker for me. I am very supportive of anything he wants to do, and I never make prescriptions on his judgments. How am I suffocating him? What was also interesting is the fact that he told me that he still loved me and wanted to marry me in June. However, I also noticed that he is still maintaining a kind of distance--he didn't even call to explain himself for Pete's sake! I don't know what kind of game he is playing, but this is highly irregular. The problem is that I have already told my family about the whole fiasco and they despise him now! In their eyes there is no explanation that he could possibly give that would redeem himself. As for me, I am still a bit ambivalent. I have not even stopped for a moment to sort out my feelings about this man. I do not know if I could possibly consider marrying this man with the knowledge that he is capable of quitting on me at any given moment without so much as a warning, or goodbye. I have read all your comments and the general consensus seems to be to leave him. I guess that deep inside myself I know that you are all right--I have to move on. This is all so hard because I have invested so much in him...in us. I find myself unable to complete the simplest of tasks because thoughts about him and this whole situation permeate. Daisy, you said to re-invest in myself. This seems to be the way to go. But how do I do that when so much of who I am now is closely connected to my relationship with him? I feel lost and hurt...the pain is actually quite excruciating... However, your comments have been helping me through. Thank you so much for the kind words, the advice and for the hug, Addy. They have made a difficult situation a little more bearable. |
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| Hi Islandbeauty,
Let's look at your relationship like a stock investment. Your investment has been time. But let's look at it if there were no emotional ties.
If you had all your money that you owned in a one stock and everyone you know told you to sell and cut your losses, your family told you, your gut feeling's told you, but you didn't listen because you had so much invested.
Then the stock crashed, and left you with nothing. If you would have listened to your gut feelings and your family, you could have walked away with something, ie, your dignity, your money, etc.
So look at you relationship like a bad investment. You are not 100 years old. You still have a future, but why would you want a future with a man that can hurt you and change his number, the only way you can contact him.
What if you needed him in an emergency one day because you had a flat tire and he decided that you were smothering him to much that day and he did not pick up the phone.
You will never ever trust this man fully and this is what a good marriage is based on.
I know it is easy for us to give advice because we are not in your shoes or heart. But you still have a chance to find someone new, someone that will love to hear from you and welcome your "so called" smothering. |
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| I agree with daisy, it seems like you have an investment with man, but sometimes it is better to cut your losses than hold on to something that has proven itself to not be reliable and not worth holding on too. |
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| Has there been any updates, are you going back with him?? |
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on 2007-10-24 18:07:30 by sacha |
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| Update: No, Sacha. We are not back together. Since the e-mail, I have not heard from him, but it seems as though I've heard from everyone in my family tree! They are all livid, and I have been inundated with their confusions, frustrations, anger, hurt feelings, and pity. On the other hand, I have continued to be in a weird state of apathetic shock for the past week-- I have been bombarded to the point where I could not feel anything at all-- numb. However, I believe that I made a breakthrough today-- I cried for the very first time tonight. It was horrible, but good in the sense that it had a cleansing effect, a kind of catharsis, really...
Daisy, you are so great at articulating things. I did make a poor investment, and I realize now that it is time to re-discover an identity that is uniquely and unapologetically my own.
Thank you all again for your support! |
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| Dear Islandbeauty,
Thanks for the compliment... I truly wish you luck in finding out what makes you happy.
You seem like a really cool person to me.
I have a feeling, everything is going to get better for you. |
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| However, I believe that I made a breakthrough today– I cried for the very first time tonight.
***Ah dear heart. Yes, the cleansing has begun.
Wishing you nothing but better days. |
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on 2007-10-28 01:41:18 by Addy |
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| Update: This breakup is going to be a bit more complicated than I first anticipated. After nearly a month of ignoring me, he decided to now do the exact opposite. Now, the ex is calling ALL THE TIME! I have been hanging up on him (quite rude on my part, I must admit), and screening calls all week. When he figured out that I wasn't going to give him an opportunity to talk to me, he called my parents! It is unbelievable. I am really beginning to agree with Addy now-- Perhaps he is losing his mind.
Since hanging up didn't seem to work very well on him (he would just call when I was more "vulnerable"--like 2AM!), I decided to let him speak tonight. The conversation started off with a myriad of excuses and explanations for his behavior. Then he shifted to the sweet nothings and the I-Love-Yous. But when I showed no interest, he began to revert to screaming, cursing, and name-calling--Absolutely bizarre!
It makes me wonder if I ever truly knew this man eventhough it has been 5 whole years. When you think you know someone...
Do you think that he could have had a breakdown of sorts? I have no other way of explaining the strangeness of it all. |
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